(June 10-14)
This week's discussion was of great interest to me. I was excited mostly to learn about how we can appropriately teach our children about sexuality--not just the basic "how it works" stuff, but what the best methods are for explaining body parts as well as conveying how sacred an act sexual intimacy is, and how important it is that it is confined to marriage.
First, let me start off by saying that I am a huge believer in the power of sexual intimacy to influence marital intimacy. It's not that you have to have sex to be a good couple, but I truly believe that engaging in it--and engaging in it OFTEN--can be a huge help to your relationship (when you're married, naturally). It's not because of the act itself, necessarily, but rather the emotions and feelings for each other that are aroused. It truly causes a bond to form, a trust, a love, an understanding, etcetera. The frequency of it can help you to feel so close to your spouse, and I honestly believe it helps you to be nice to them, and love them more. It is such a beautiful gift that God has given us, and of no small significance that it is the act that creates children--the greatest ability we have here on the earth.
Second, I think it is so so important that children are taught this--that sex is a beautiful, pure, sacred thing, and so naturally, it is something that Satan has corrupted--but only if used out of the correct context. I am so grateful that my parents taught me that all my life, so that when I was about to get married, I could feel comfortable with and excited for what was about to happen. I don't think it is ever appropriate to have any kind of preoccupation with sex, and that's not what I'm talking about. I just mean that I didn't have to go through what's known as "good girl syndrome". I had no problem being intimate with my husband because a.) there was no pressure as far as "performance" goes (which I think is important), and b.) I knew what a beautiful, sacred thing it was. Nothing about it felt impure to me at all, because we had so carefully saved ourselves for each other, and for that time, so it was really just a unifying experience.
I hope to be able to teach my children about their bodies and how precious and sacred they are, as well as convey to them the beauty of the sexual act within marriage while still teaching them to protect themselves emotionally and physically by not toying with sexuality before marriage.
Also of great import was the presentation about Friends, Facebook and Fidelity.ppsx. I feel like so many people don't take marital fidelity as seriously as they should. They believe in the principle of course, but when it comes to safeguarding a marriage, most people think it's juvenile to take action. For instance, we talked about such things as never complimenting anyone else of the opposite gender once you're married. I think most people would find that "a little over the top", but when we asked the question "What possible reason could you have for that?" it really made sense. Doing these things isn't immature, it's smart. I know that Derek and I have made every effort we can to set clear boundaries around our marriage, and it has made us both feel so secure and close to each other. It means a lot to us--not just that we do these things, but that we are willing to do ANYTHING that the other requests in order to make sure they feel secure in knowing that we're loyal.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Transitions In Marriage
(June 3-7)
So, I just have to start off by saying that Derek and I got a few laughs out of this week's discussion. We've been married nearly two months, so we're pretty much experts at marriage by now (ha ha...joke). Just kidding. Obviously we're not experts in marriage--but we ARE experts at being newlyweds. The reason we found this week's discussion particularly funny is that we feel we haven't had to make any kind of difficult adjustments in our marriage! We understand, of course, that we're not very far in to this yet, but as far as early marriage adjustments, we were both pretty well prepared. There were a couple of reasons for this. Here's what I think contributed to our easy, blissful early marriage transitions:
1.) We were best friends before we were anything else.
Derek and I have known each other for about a year and a half, and were absolutely, platonically, best friends for four months before we started dating. We got to know each other without the blinders of infatuation on. Because of that, we already knew each other's faults and quirks, and how we would feel about them for...forever. He decided then that I was worth putting up with, I guess ;)
2. We knew we wanted to get married...and not have any surprises.
Because we knew right from the beginning of our dating relationship that we both hoped to one day get married, we stripped ourselves of false pretenses. We laughed and joked about bad habits that most people would never see, we talked about insecurities, everything. I wanted to make sure that he knew what he was getting. No false advertising here.
3. We both come from big families.
This one, I understand, is not something you really have control over. Relate it then, to having roommates. Sharing space is nothing new to me. I have 7 siblings, and we all shared one bathroom. The four girls slept in one (small, small) room, and the four boys in the other. So we got used to living with people. I think this is vital. When you're married, space is going to be shared--and you HAVE to be ok with that. Growing up in big families gave a us a huge advantage here.
4.) We decided to love each other no matter what.
We love each other. Right now, it is overwhelmingly easy to love each other. But even if it weren't...we would love each other. The biggest thing is your level of commitment. If you're committed to loving and serving your spouse from day one to day infinity, I'm convinced that you'll be happy. That doesn't mean you'll be without trials, or hardships, etcetera. It just means you can come together at the end of the day and say, "Wow. Ok. Let's try again tomorrow." President Gordon B. Hinckley once said "Any man who will make his wife's comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through all eternity yet to come." And that goes for wives too ;)
So, we had a good laugh at the idea that early marriage is hard--because it hasn't been for us. We have been blessed with a simply glorious newlywed stage!
But one of the things I found most valuable in this week's lesson was the information about "Avoiding the Baby Blues." Derek and I were able to talk a lot about how we'll be able to prevent our marriage from taking that dip in satisfaction when we have children. We want the birth of each child to truly be "a blessed event". I'm so grateful that we get to be taking this class together right now, and learning how to improve our marriage and family at this great institution.
So, I just have to start off by saying that Derek and I got a few laughs out of this week's discussion. We've been married nearly two months, so we're pretty much experts at marriage by now (ha ha...joke). Just kidding. Obviously we're not experts in marriage--but we ARE experts at being newlyweds. The reason we found this week's discussion particularly funny is that we feel we haven't had to make any kind of difficult adjustments in our marriage! We understand, of course, that we're not very far in to this yet, but as far as early marriage adjustments, we were both pretty well prepared. There were a couple of reasons for this. Here's what I think contributed to our easy, blissful early marriage transitions:
1.) We were best friends before we were anything else.
Derek and I have known each other for about a year and a half, and were absolutely, platonically, best friends for four months before we started dating. We got to know each other without the blinders of infatuation on. Because of that, we already knew each other's faults and quirks, and how we would feel about them for...forever. He decided then that I was worth putting up with, I guess ;)
2. We knew we wanted to get married...and not have any surprises.
Because we knew right from the beginning of our dating relationship that we both hoped to one day get married, we stripped ourselves of false pretenses. We laughed and joked about bad habits that most people would never see, we talked about insecurities, everything. I wanted to make sure that he knew what he was getting. No false advertising here.
3. We both come from big families.
This one, I understand, is not something you really have control over. Relate it then, to having roommates. Sharing space is nothing new to me. I have 7 siblings, and we all shared one bathroom. The four girls slept in one (small, small) room, and the four boys in the other. So we got used to living with people. I think this is vital. When you're married, space is going to be shared--and you HAVE to be ok with that. Growing up in big families gave a us a huge advantage here.
4.) We decided to love each other no matter what.
We love each other. Right now, it is overwhelmingly easy to love each other. But even if it weren't...we would love each other. The biggest thing is your level of commitment. If you're committed to loving and serving your spouse from day one to day infinity, I'm convinced that you'll be happy. That doesn't mean you'll be without trials, or hardships, etcetera. It just means you can come together at the end of the day and say, "Wow. Ok. Let's try again tomorrow." President Gordon B. Hinckley once said "Any man who will make his wife's comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through all eternity yet to come." And that goes for wives too ;)
So, we had a good laugh at the idea that early marriage is hard--because it hasn't been for us. We have been blessed with a simply glorious newlywed stage!
But one of the things I found most valuable in this week's lesson was the information about "Avoiding the Baby Blues." Derek and I were able to talk a lot about how we'll be able to prevent our marriage from taking that dip in satisfaction when we have children. We want the birth of each child to truly be "a blessed event". I'm so grateful that we get to be taking this class together right now, and learning how to improve our marriage and family at this great institution.
Preparing For Marriage
(May 27-31)
This week's discussions were very interesting to me, mostly because I thought I wouldn't get much out of it--as I am already married (Win number one for Nikki, I don't have to go through the dating process again--HA!). But much to my surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed all the information we covered in class. It was all stuff I had already agreed with and basically known, but I loved the way my beliefs were supported by our discussions about dating vs. hanging out--or even steady dating vs. courtship, and the way it's supposed to go.
By far my favorite thing that we discussed in class was Dr. Van Epp's Relationship Attachment Model, pictured below.
This model shows the perfect balance for a good relationship. Verbally explained, it basically says that you should never trust someone any more than you KNOW them. Brother Williams gave the example of trusting a stranger with your car keys--it'd just be stupid! Next, you should never rely on someone more than you know or trust them. And you should always commit less than you know, trust, and rely. Lastly--and very importantly--never, ever touch someone any more than you are committed to them, and on up the scale. This is the biggest problem I see in dating relationships these days. People want to touch without commitment, and how psychologically damaging and dangerous can that be? Very! And I see it all the time. Girls especially fall into this trap so easily, because we associate touch with love. We, especially as good LDS girls, think that if a guy is touching us, he must be committed to us. He must love us. Now, is this the wrong idea? No! In fact, Van Epp would say that it is exactly the RIGHT idea, but we are with the WRONG person--a jerk, as he would call them.
I don't mean to say that girls are always the victims in these situations, but I do think that it is easier for girls to get confused. This information provides us with some great opportunities, though. Knowing this scale, we can make sure our relationships follow the correct pattern--and sequence. This will give us much greater confidence and security in our dating/courtship, and prevent the likelihood of marrying a jerk ;)
This week's discussions were very interesting to me, mostly because I thought I wouldn't get much out of it--as I am already married (Win number one for Nikki, I don't have to go through the dating process again--HA!). But much to my surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed all the information we covered in class. It was all stuff I had already agreed with and basically known, but I loved the way my beliefs were supported by our discussions about dating vs. hanging out--or even steady dating vs. courtship, and the way it's supposed to go.
By far my favorite thing that we discussed in class was Dr. Van Epp's Relationship Attachment Model, pictured below.
I don't mean to say that girls are always the victims in these situations, but I do think that it is easier for girls to get confused. This information provides us with some great opportunities, though. Knowing this scale, we can make sure our relationships follow the correct pattern--and sequence. This will give us much greater confidence and security in our dating/courtship, and prevent the likelihood of marrying a jerk ;)
Gender & Family Life
(May 20-24)
We started off this week with a very interesting subject--that of gender roles and differences. Research shows that men and women have different qualities and typical behaviors. Men are aggressive. Women are nurturing. Men look at things analytically. Women look at things socially, or in relation to each other. Surprise, surprise...men and women are different.
What? We're different? That can't be right. Shouldn't we be equal?
Yes. And we are. Equality does not equate to exactly the same. If it did, life would be so boring! We were made--by divine design--to possess these differences in nature, behavior, thinking, etcetera. The Family Proclamation clearly outlines the different roles that men and women are to fill in the home. If these are God's purposes for us, doesn't it make sense that He would design us to be particularly suited to and able to carry out those roles? I think so.
C.S. Lewis once said that "there are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them." I would submit that our understanding of gender differences is much the same. On the one hand, we have people who refuse to acknowledge them. They would have us believe that there are, in fact, no differences between men and women except for the ones that society forces on them. The other error, "equal and opposite" is that we put way too much stock into these differences--so that when someone comes along who doesn't conform to the typical behaviors, or interests, associated with their gender, we get scared, and we label them as "gay". I see this as probably the biggest contributing factor to young men identifying themselves as homosexual. When a boy has tendencies or interests that we recognize as more "feminine", such as a desire to nurture a baby doll, or an interest in art, we freak out, in essence, because we worry that this little boy will associate so much with the opposite gender that he becomes attracted to his own. Really though, it is our freaking out that causes him to wonder what's wrong with him, and his behavior. This is what makes him see himself as different, and so he just accepts that, because apparently, so have we. (See Daryl Bem, "The Exotic Becomes Erotic"). But if we were to take a step back, and look at these qualities, what would we see? What every woman wants in a husband!!--someone who is creative, kind, sensitive, with a great capacity to love and nurture those around him. Really, we should be encouraging these kinds of qualities and behaviors in our children.
The greatest thing I learned this week was how to deal with a situation like this! If I have a son who shows these interests, all I have to do is validate them in association with his gender! I know that Derek can help a lot with this--if we just show him that being nurturing as a FATHER is a good thing, he is much more likely to be ok with the fact that he's a little different from the other guys. Especially if that is reinforced with a close relationship to his father. I feel so liberated by what I learned this week, and I'm so grateful to feel a little more prepared to face the world!
We started off this week with a very interesting subject--that of gender roles and differences. Research shows that men and women have different qualities and typical behaviors. Men are aggressive. Women are nurturing. Men look at things analytically. Women look at things socially, or in relation to each other. Surprise, surprise...men and women are different.
What? We're different? That can't be right. Shouldn't we be equal?
Yes. And we are. Equality does not equate to exactly the same. If it did, life would be so boring! We were made--by divine design--to possess these differences in nature, behavior, thinking, etcetera. The Family Proclamation clearly outlines the different roles that men and women are to fill in the home. If these are God's purposes for us, doesn't it make sense that He would design us to be particularly suited to and able to carry out those roles? I think so.
C.S. Lewis once said that "there are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them." I would submit that our understanding of gender differences is much the same. On the one hand, we have people who refuse to acknowledge them. They would have us believe that there are, in fact, no differences between men and women except for the ones that society forces on them. The other error, "equal and opposite" is that we put way too much stock into these differences--so that when someone comes along who doesn't conform to the typical behaviors, or interests, associated with their gender, we get scared, and we label them as "gay". I see this as probably the biggest contributing factor to young men identifying themselves as homosexual. When a boy has tendencies or interests that we recognize as more "feminine", such as a desire to nurture a baby doll, or an interest in art, we freak out, in essence, because we worry that this little boy will associate so much with the opposite gender that he becomes attracted to his own. Really though, it is our freaking out that causes him to wonder what's wrong with him, and his behavior. This is what makes him see himself as different, and so he just accepts that, because apparently, so have we. (See Daryl Bem, "The Exotic Becomes Erotic"). But if we were to take a step back, and look at these qualities, what would we see? What every woman wants in a husband!!--someone who is creative, kind, sensitive, with a great capacity to love and nurture those around him. Really, we should be encouraging these kinds of qualities and behaviors in our children.
The greatest thing I learned this week was how to deal with a situation like this! If I have a son who shows these interests, all I have to do is validate them in association with his gender! I know that Derek can help a lot with this--if we just show him that being nurturing as a FATHER is a good thing, he is much more likely to be ok with the fact that he's a little different from the other guys. Especially if that is reinforced with a close relationship to his father. I feel so liberated by what I learned this week, and I'm so grateful to feel a little more prepared to face the world!
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