Family Culture

(May 13-17)

This week in our Family Relations class, we talked a lot about cultures and social classes, and what they influence. I wanted to talk a little about the family culture that Derek and I are trying to create in our home. 

Derek and I were both raised in amazingly strong families--families that are active in the gospel and in each other's lives. We had parents who had (and have) very high expectations for their children, and we couldn't be more grateful for that. The standards that we each grew up with are very similar, but not in every area. One area that our families differ in that we feel is so very important is media.

Media is a pretty hot topic in the church these days. And it's easy to see why. Just think of all the pervasiveness in our world. Everywhere we turn there is a false message being spread, an inappropriate picture, etcetera. Whether or not we think so, these things have a HUGE effect on us. I grew up in a family where we talked about this a lot. We talked about sensuality and pornography, about swearing, drinking, doing drugs, and violence. We talked about how evil these things are. And I will always be grateful that we did. But we weren't always as vigilant as we should have been about the things that came into our home.

Here I'd like to share a little anecdote with you. It was in a forward Derek received a few months ago, and while it may be a little cheesy, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger
who was new to our small town. From the beginning,
Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
and soon invited him to live with our family. The
stranger was quickly accepted and was around
from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my
family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would
keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,
mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history
or science, he always knew the answers about the past,
understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future! He took my family to the first major league
ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The
stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem
to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of
us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to
say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,
but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not
from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter
words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and
my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the
stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments
were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he
opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked
and NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved
in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly
as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into
my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over
in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and
watch him draw his pictures.

His name?  

We just call him 'TV.'

When I read this, it struck a chord. Maybe it hit pretty close to home. This was kind of what our home was like. My family rejected cable and satellite television when I was young, but we still watched movies, and we would check out seasons of tv shows from the library. My parents always taught us what was wrong with the things we watched--and we never watched anything worse than a PG-13. But in today's world, that can be way too much.

When Derek was growing up, he had a similar experience--up until he was about 12, when his mom decided she'd had enough. She rid the house of anything that was rated PG-13 or worse, and got rid of some PG films as well. She knew that teaching her children about what things they should not take into their lives would do much good, but it would do even more good if she proved that she was willing to accept it on a new level. It's like when Christ tells his disciples in the book of Matthew that under His law, hatred is like murder, lust is like adultery. My mother-in-law decided to show her children that not only would they participate in immoral activities, they would not even view them.

But what difference does that make now? We're both grown-up. We can choose on our own, right?

Well, we have. When Derek left home for college, he decided that watching an occasional PG-13 movie was ok. Watching tv with minor inappropriate references was no big deal. I did the same thing, although it wasn't a very big adjustment for me. But I think I have to say that my media did get a little worse when I left home. There was one TV show that I chose to watch that I know would not have been permitted in our home. I loved it and hated it at the same time. Derek did too. We both chose to give up that show last November, and I'm so happy to say that we haven't seen a single episode of it since then.

When we were dating, we talked a lot about the kind of media we would have in our home. Derek was re-committing to the no PG-13 or TV-14 rule. I was a little hesitant, because that would mean giving up nearly half of my favorite movies--movies that really only have "that one little bad part". But I chose to give them up--and not because of Derek. Derek would have accepted my decision to continue watching those movies if I had asked him to. In fact, he didn't even ask me to give them up. Not once. But I became sick of the way these movies made me feel. I decided not to watch them anymore. That was in January. I believe the last PG-13 movie I watched was The Hobbit.

Now in saying all this, I hope no one thinks I'm trying to toot my own horn or pull a "holier-than-thou". I promise I'm not. I just want to share the family culture that Derek and I are creating, and tell you that it is oh-so-wonderful to be free. And that's how I feel. I don't feel restricted one bit by our standard. I feel liberated. I feel comfortable. I feel like the Spirit is with me. And I want to let you know that it's an easier sacrifice than it might seem. Does that mean I am never sad I can't watch a certain movie? No, but only for a moment. The reward is so much greater than the sacrifice. And that's the way the gospel works. If you've ever considered doing this--do it. 

It's worth it.