Family Culture

(May 13-17)

This week in our Family Relations class, we talked a lot about cultures and social classes, and what they influence. I wanted to talk a little about the family culture that Derek and I are trying to create in our home. 

Derek and I were both raised in amazingly strong families--families that are active in the gospel and in each other's lives. We had parents who had (and have) very high expectations for their children, and we couldn't be more grateful for that. The standards that we each grew up with are very similar, but not in every area. One area that our families differ in that we feel is so very important is media.

Media is a pretty hot topic in the church these days. And it's easy to see why. Just think of all the pervasiveness in our world. Everywhere we turn there is a false message being spread, an inappropriate picture, etcetera. Whether or not we think so, these things have a HUGE effect on us. I grew up in a family where we talked about this a lot. We talked about sensuality and pornography, about swearing, drinking, doing drugs, and violence. We talked about how evil these things are. And I will always be grateful that we did. But we weren't always as vigilant as we should have been about the things that came into our home.

Here I'd like to share a little anecdote with you. It was in a forward Derek received a few months ago, and while it may be a little cheesy, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger
who was new to our small town. From the beginning,
Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
and soon invited him to live with our family. The
stranger was quickly accepted and was around
from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my
family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would
keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,
mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history
or science, he always knew the answers about the past,
understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future! He took my family to the first major league
ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The
stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem
to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of
us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to
say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,
but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not
from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter
words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and
my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the
stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments
were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he
opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked
and NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved
in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly
as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into
my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over
in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and
watch him draw his pictures.

His name?  

We just call him 'TV.'

When I read this, it struck a chord. Maybe it hit pretty close to home. This was kind of what our home was like. My family rejected cable and satellite television when I was young, but we still watched movies, and we would check out seasons of tv shows from the library. My parents always taught us what was wrong with the things we watched--and we never watched anything worse than a PG-13. But in today's world, that can be way too much.

When Derek was growing up, he had a similar experience--up until he was about 12, when his mom decided she'd had enough. She rid the house of anything that was rated PG-13 or worse, and got rid of some PG films as well. She knew that teaching her children about what things they should not take into their lives would do much good, but it would do even more good if she proved that she was willing to accept it on a new level. It's like when Christ tells his disciples in the book of Matthew that under His law, hatred is like murder, lust is like adultery. My mother-in-law decided to show her children that not only would they participate in immoral activities, they would not even view them.

But what difference does that make now? We're both grown-up. We can choose on our own, right?

Well, we have. When Derek left home for college, he decided that watching an occasional PG-13 movie was ok. Watching tv with minor inappropriate references was no big deal. I did the same thing, although it wasn't a very big adjustment for me. But I think I have to say that my media did get a little worse when I left home. There was one TV show that I chose to watch that I know would not have been permitted in our home. I loved it and hated it at the same time. Derek did too. We both chose to give up that show last November, and I'm so happy to say that we haven't seen a single episode of it since then.

When we were dating, we talked a lot about the kind of media we would have in our home. Derek was re-committing to the no PG-13 or TV-14 rule. I was a little hesitant, because that would mean giving up nearly half of my favorite movies--movies that really only have "that one little bad part". But I chose to give them up--and not because of Derek. Derek would have accepted my decision to continue watching those movies if I had asked him to. In fact, he didn't even ask me to give them up. Not once. But I became sick of the way these movies made me feel. I decided not to watch them anymore. That was in January. I believe the last PG-13 movie I watched was The Hobbit.

Now in saying all this, I hope no one thinks I'm trying to toot my own horn or pull a "holier-than-thou". I promise I'm not. I just want to share the family culture that Derek and I are creating, and tell you that it is oh-so-wonderful to be free. And that's how I feel. I don't feel restricted one bit by our standard. I feel liberated. I feel comfortable. I feel like the Spirit is with me. And I want to let you know that it's an easier sacrifice than it might seem. Does that mean I am never sad I can't watch a certain movie? No, but only for a moment. The reward is so much greater than the sacrifice. And that's the way the gospel works. If you've ever considered doing this--do it. 

It's worth it.

   

Family Systems Theory at a Family Reunion

(May 6-10)

Unfortunately, Derek and I didn't have the privilege of attending class the week we talked about family systems because we were...

in Disneyland!!!
(the nice man who took our picture didn't know how to use a camera...that's his thumb)

We had the amazing opportunity to go to a family reunion with Derek's immediate family and spend a WEEK in California. We stayed in a beautiful vista:

We got to go to Disneyland, California Adventure, and SeaWorld!

And we even got to go to the beautiful San Diego temple!!

Ok, now that I'm done bragging, I thought I'd share what I learned from the material that week! Probably the most interesting thing to me was to observe a family's interactions. I had a huge advantage in this because I got to observe Derek's family together--something I've done many times in the last year and a half that I've known them, but this time with the eye of a social scientist. Some things I noticed (and again, not that these are new to me, but they just stood out) :

1.) The Allens love each other. They show that love so willingly and without shyness. Derek interacts with his sisters affectionately--playing with their hair, putting an arm around them. He's not the only one. This is how their family is. This is how their parents are, with just about everyone. Derek's mom has been hugging me since the day she met me--when I was a high school senior with no connection to their family yet.
2.) The Allens have fun together. So much fun. That's what this whole vacation was about. Derek's parents will provide for fun for their family to a huge extent--like taking us all to Disneyland. Playing as a family is a priority.
3.) Working as a family is a priority too. One of the basic interactions that goes on is this family is a very high level of cooperation and willingness to get things done. For example, on Sunday we had a big meal together--just the siblings and their kids, because Derek's parents were still home in Salt Lake. As soon as nearly everyone was done eating, we began to talk about what chores needed to be done. A list was made, numbered, and everyone drew a number to choose a chore--with absolutely no complaining! Granted, these are adults, but...I was particularly impressed at the eagerness of the men to do their chores. In my family, it usually ends up that the women do all the cleaning up. That's not to say that the men never help with anything--it's just that they don't do those jobs for the most part. I thought it was cool how everyone pitched in.
4.) I got to observe some more parent-child interactions. Not just with our parents, but with our siblings and their children. Though all of Derek's siblings were raised in the same way, they all raise their children slightly differently from one another--and differently from the way they were raised. When I say that I mean in matters of discipline and acceptable behavior, and not as far as gospel teachings. One of Derek's brothers, Daniel, is a big tease--pretty much ALWAYS kidding. He likes to play with his 2 and a half year old son Luke and react to him in the same way that Luke behaves. I think in this he's trying to make a point--for instance, once when Luke was yelling at his mom for attention, Dan yelled back very playfully. Luke responded, "That's too loud, Daddy! Gotta be quiet. Like this...", the whole time lowering his voice more and more. Dan's wife Nicole is very quiet and sweet, and whenever Luke would get too loud she would simply look him in the eye and say, "Luke, please don't talk like that. Let's be nice, ok?" I thought it was interesting that when Luke was behaving badly and his dad showed him what that was like, he responded as his mother would have.
5.) The most important thing about the Allen family is that they live for each other and the gospel. At the center of every one of their homes is Christ and his pure doctrine. They teach their children to love, to play, to work, to "behave", and most of all, to believe in Christ.
I'm so grateful for families. I could spend hours talking about both the family I grew up in and the family I have married into, but to keep it short, I'll just say I'm grateful. I have two remarkable families who love and support my husband and me, and who want only the best things for us. They are tremendous examples of what I want to be and the family I want to have. I'd certainly be nowhere without them both.

Big Families...Big Benefits

(April 29-May 3)

It seems that an increasing number of people believe that large families are, well...just weird. And to that I say...

Maybe.

The top picture is me, my husband, and my seven siblings. Below is us with seven of his eight siblings (one is currently serving a mission in Mexico). This is not including our (total) seven brothers/sisters-in-law, parents, and nieces and nephews (24 in all). You might say that we come from big families. And can I just say...we love it. We both adore every single one of our siblings--they are our best friends in the world, and so much fun to hang out with. Growing up with seven people who understood me, and my parents, and the gospel so much better than I did at times made all the difference in the world to me. I have loved always having someone--or two or three someones--to turn to, knowing they will respond with love and kindness. I wish that I could better describe the beautiful reality of growing up in such a big family. But I do know a few distinct things I would like to say:

1.) Having a lot of children...is the exact opposite of selfishness. Ehrilch's example of robbing a bank is so skewed I might have thrown up in my mouth a little bit--or at least scoffed so emphatically that I choked. My mother was in school when she became pregnant with her first child, my oldest sister Kari (the blonde behind me and slightly to the left in the picture). She (my mom) was a communications major at BYU, and a brilliant writer at that. My parents were dirt poor when they had their first child...and their second...and their third, fourth, fifth...etcetera. Did they make sacrifices? You bet. Was it hard for them? Naturally. Is being a mom easy? Heck. No. But they did it--over and over again, they chose the hard thing. The hard, yet beautifully rewarding thing of having another child. And what kind of children did they produce? Hard-working, loving, faithful people who love the gospel and the Savior with all their hearts--people who have gone on to have an amazing sphere of influence in their wards and communities. I look up to my 5 older siblings--and my 2 younger brothers as well--in so many ways, and I know without a doubt that they are major contributors not just to my world--but to THE world.

2.) I'm not saying it was always peachy. My husband felt, as I did sometimes, that you can get a little lost in a big family. But I might add that it's never for long--and never as much as you think it is. We were both blessed with parents who were so very aware of us, so caring and loving that they did things we didn't know we needed ALL THE TIME. The benefits of a large family far outweigh the few minor trials. And hey. Trials make us stronger :)

3.) The Lord commanded us to multiply and replenish the earth. This commandment can be fulfilled in soooo many different ways--and far be it from me to say that anyone with less than five kids just isn't living up to the standard! Who knows--maybe I'll only be blessed with two children. I think that would be hard for me since I'd love a big family, but I would get over that because what it all comes down to is the Lord's will. Personal revelation is really the only way to go, so the only thing I can say is this:

Don't allow yourself to be swayed by what the world tells you is appropriate. For "they shall call good evil, and evil good..." The only thing we can rely on is that God has a plan, and He will make it known to the individual.

Have faith. Have HAPPINESS. Have excitement for the beautiful reality that you can have children of your own, to love and nurture and raise in righteousness. Because seriously...THAT is what it is ALL about.