(July 15-19)
Family dynamics are constantly changing. First you have to get used to living with someone, having them always there. Then, just as soon as you've adjusted to that (and sometimes sooner), you bring a kid into the mix. You have to learn how to take care of that kid, and then another kid (who, for some reason, isn't identical to the first one), and so on...and then, they start leaving, and your family is changing once again. In my family we haven't had to deal with divorce or remarriage because of a death, and I pray we never will go through that trial. But our family dynamic will indeed change, and it's going to take a lot of prayer and effort to know how to handle those changes.
Our final lesson was beautifully simple. We watched a video from The Piano Guys of their duet "Love Story meets Viva La Vida" (watch here), and analyzed it as a metaphor for an aging family. How are the two performers like a married couple? We came up with a lot of ideas, but I'm most interested in hearing what you guys think, so please leave a comment :)
I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to be in this class. I have learned so much, and I treasure the things I've learned from Brother Williams. I hope you've all enjoyed following the blog, and I hope you can get just a portion of what I've gained from taking this class. Thanks for following!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Parenting
(July 8-12)
This week was very interesting for us. In some ways, parenting feels very far away. In others, it is pretty imminent. I'm excited to become a mom--so excited! And I'm grateful that I'll be parenting with someone who I really look up to--Derek is going to be the most wonderful dad.
When we were dating we talked a lot about what good parenting looked like. We were very close to identical in our approaches, and I think we will balance out each other well. Derek has helped me so much to understand what is important in parenting. I know that I have a tendency to be just a little too harsh, and I think it's possible that Derek might be just a little to lenient, but rather than these differences driving us apart, because we talk about it so much we have truly come to a middle ground.
One thing that we learned in our class this week that I found particularly enlightening was in our discussion about the three main styles of parenting--authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. I think we've all heard of these, and we all know that the best style is authoritative: parenting which is characterized by parents who hold high expectations and set clear guidelines, but are responsive and nurturing to their children. This probably isn't news to anyone. But what I found interesting was the idea that authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting, though exact opposites, have one common characteristic: they are both self-centered. They are both about the parent rather than about the child. Permissive parents want to be "cool" or seen as "a friend". Authoritarian parents want "respect" (or really, fear), and to be seen as "in charge". But authoritative parenting focuses on the children--which is what good parenting is really about. This really opened my eyes to see why authoritative parenting is the best kind, and it reminded me of something I learned in my Family 300 class, which I'll leave you with. According to a study of what makes strong LDS families, one common aspect was that the parents had few rules but high expectations. I have seen how successful this is, particularly in Derek's life. Derek's parents didn't really have a lot of specific rules on things like "when you can hold hands", "when you can kiss", "whether or not you can do this or that", etcetera, but he always knew what his mom expected of him. Because of that, he really never wanted to disappoint her. He knew that there wouldn't necessarily be a punishment, but that his mom would be sad if he didn't measure up to those expectations. I think that this is a great aspect of authoritative parenting, and one I really want to mirror in my own family.
This week was very interesting for us. In some ways, parenting feels very far away. In others, it is pretty imminent. I'm excited to become a mom--so excited! And I'm grateful that I'll be parenting with someone who I really look up to--Derek is going to be the most wonderful dad.
When we were dating we talked a lot about what good parenting looked like. We were very close to identical in our approaches, and I think we will balance out each other well. Derek has helped me so much to understand what is important in parenting. I know that I have a tendency to be just a little too harsh, and I think it's possible that Derek might be just a little to lenient, but rather than these differences driving us apart, because we talk about it so much we have truly come to a middle ground.
One thing that we learned in our class this week that I found particularly enlightening was in our discussion about the three main styles of parenting--authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. I think we've all heard of these, and we all know that the best style is authoritative: parenting which is characterized by parents who hold high expectations and set clear guidelines, but are responsive and nurturing to their children. This probably isn't news to anyone. But what I found interesting was the idea that authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting, though exact opposites, have one common characteristic: they are both self-centered. They are both about the parent rather than about the child. Permissive parents want to be "cool" or seen as "a friend". Authoritarian parents want "respect" (or really, fear), and to be seen as "in charge". But authoritative parenting focuses on the children--which is what good parenting is really about. This really opened my eyes to see why authoritative parenting is the best kind, and it reminded me of something I learned in my Family 300 class, which I'll leave you with. According to a study of what makes strong LDS families, one common aspect was that the parents had few rules but high expectations. I have seen how successful this is, particularly in Derek's life. Derek's parents didn't really have a lot of specific rules on things like "when you can hold hands", "when you can kiss", "whether or not you can do this or that", etcetera, but he always knew what his mom expected of him. Because of that, he really never wanted to disappoint her. He knew that there wouldn't necessarily be a punishment, but that his mom would be sad if he didn't measure up to those expectations. I think that this is a great aspect of authoritative parenting, and one I really want to mirror in my own family.
Fathers & Finances
(July 1-5)
The week of July 4, we were only able to have one class. But that class taught me some very valuable things. First we talked about what impact it has on women to stay at home with their kids--is it a brainless chore? We read an article by Dennis Prager that I think most of you would find entertaining in the least, and perhaps even a little bit enlightening. (Does a Full Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind For a Mop?) This alone brought up some interesting discussion, and I'd like to hear what your thoughts are, so comment!
But probably what I found more interesting was our discussion about dual income households. Did you know that in most cases, a couple will actually spend so much money on new necessities--child care, tutors, school lunches, etcetera-- that the second income is completely depleted by it, and often the first is dipped into? Do you know what that means? If one parent were to stay home--and we believe that, wherever possible, this should be the mom--and parent the children herself, rather than paying someone to do it, their family would actually have more money to live on. Is that interesting or what? I'm finding in this class, time and time again, that research backs up what the Lord's servants have been telling us for years--steady dating at a young age is detrimental, having a mother stay at home will bring blessings, if you cohabit you are 4-5 times more likely to be a victim of domestic violence than a married woman is, etcetera. The prophets and apostles have authority to speak on all subjects, whether or not they have a degree saying they can. The Lord is the fountain of all knowledge, and His prophets have access to that fountain, so when they tell us something, it is true, and time will prove it. We would do well to follow their counsel before we suffer the consequences of disobedience.
The week of July 4, we were only able to have one class. But that class taught me some very valuable things. First we talked about what impact it has on women to stay at home with their kids--is it a brainless chore? We read an article by Dennis Prager that I think most of you would find entertaining in the least, and perhaps even a little bit enlightening. (Does a Full Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind For a Mop?) This alone brought up some interesting discussion, and I'd like to hear what your thoughts are, so comment!
But probably what I found more interesting was our discussion about dual income households. Did you know that in most cases, a couple will actually spend so much money on new necessities--child care, tutors, school lunches, etcetera-- that the second income is completely depleted by it, and often the first is dipped into? Do you know what that means? If one parent were to stay home--and we believe that, wherever possible, this should be the mom--and parent the children herself, rather than paying someone to do it, their family would actually have more money to live on. Is that interesting or what? I'm finding in this class, time and time again, that research backs up what the Lord's servants have been telling us for years--steady dating at a young age is detrimental, having a mother stay at home will bring blessings, if you cohabit you are 4-5 times more likely to be a victim of domestic violence than a married woman is, etcetera. The prophets and apostles have authority to speak on all subjects, whether or not they have a degree saying they can. The Lord is the fountain of all knowledge, and His prophets have access to that fountain, so when they tell us something, it is true, and time will prove it. We would do well to follow their counsel before we suffer the consequences of disobedience.
Communication and Mutual Problem Solving
(June 24-28)
I loved our discussion this week about Communication and Mutual Problem Solving. I think that people often get caught up on the importance of communicating hurt feelings or dissatisfaction and we forget that the most important thing to communicate is just the opposite--satisfaction and happiness in relationships! Can you see how selfish that is? "I want to make sure that you know every little thing you do that upsets me...but I don't want to make any effort to let you know what you're doing right." Now, in actuality, I don't think it's so malignant as that--but rather, we just tend to be pretty thoughtless when it comes to good communication. To me, good communication is communicating well all the time--it's really a matter of always talking about how you feel about everyone and everything in your life, so that your spouse is involved and aware.
Brother Williams shared a few quotes that I absolutely loved. The first was this:
I loved our discussion this week about Communication and Mutual Problem Solving. I think that people often get caught up on the importance of communicating hurt feelings or dissatisfaction and we forget that the most important thing to communicate is just the opposite--satisfaction and happiness in relationships! Can you see how selfish that is? "I want to make sure that you know every little thing you do that upsets me...but I don't want to make any effort to let you know what you're doing right." Now, in actuality, I don't think it's so malignant as that--but rather, we just tend to be pretty thoughtless when it comes to good communication. To me, good communication is communicating well all the time--it's really a matter of always talking about how you feel about everyone and everything in your life, so that your spouse is involved and aware.
Brother Williams shared a few quotes that I absolutely loved. The first was this:
You can never not communicate.
How true is that? It doesn't matter if we're speaking or not speaking, turning towards or turning away, we are always communicating something. Because of that, it is so important to be aware and careful of what we communicate to those we love. Another quote I really loved went something like this:
We need to communicate not only so clearly that we can be understood, but so clearly that we cannot be misunderstood.
I think everyone has heard plenty about how important communication is, and all the skills we supposedly need to develop--I-statements, active listening, reflective statements, etcetera--and they're all valuable to an extent. But I submit that if we would just remember these two statements, that's pretty much all we need to know about communicating. I also want to add that one of the greatest things you can do to improve a relationship is thank your Father in Heaven in prayer for your spouse--thank Him every night for giving you someone who loves you so much, and then in moments of agitation, you'll be reminded that you are grateful to have that person in your life, and you don't know what you'd do without them.
Monday, July 1, 2013
The Family Under Stress
(June 17-21)
This week we talked about family crises. As Derek and I read the chapters in the textbook, we thought about things that our family's have gone through and what would really qualify as a crisis. It seemed that the examples listed in the book were all really extreme, or at least they were made extreme by the attitude the family took. I feel so blessed to have been raised in a family where most, if not all, conflicts and crisis events were handled with perspective. At least in my eyes, my immediate family never experienced a crisis in ways that most families do. I'm grateful to my parents for that.
That's not to say that our family hasn't experienced stress. In fact...we've experienced a lot. One definition of stress reads: Stress is the body's reaction to a change that requires a physical, mental or emotional adjustment or response. Hence, family stress is when an event causes change--upsets the balance--and requires adjustment within the system. There are so many different coping mechanisms for stress. I think the Monnett's method is what we in the church like to call "eternal perspective". Growing up, I always felt that anything that happened to our family could be overcome, and we would all be ok--that in the long run, it really didn't matter. There were other coping mechanisms utilized of course--no family is perfect--and some of them were not quite so peace-giving. I know that I often reacted by shutting myself in my room, or isolating myself. Others reacted by fighting out the problem, and still others by pretending they were ok when they weren't.
And I have to be fair; one reason that my family's "crises" were handled so well and minimized is that we really have experienced relatively few tragedies. No one in my immediate family has passed away or experienced serious illness. None of my nieces or nephews have come to harm. Three of my grandparents are still living, and the other's temple ordinances have been performed. So really, all things considered, I have lived a charmed life. I know that my family has experienced tremendous blessings, and I'm so grateful for the way my parents taught us to look for the positive. I pray that when conflicts and challenges come to my family, Derek and I will be able to handle them in the way the Lord wants us to, and always turn to Him for help.
This week we talked about family crises. As Derek and I read the chapters in the textbook, we thought about things that our family's have gone through and what would really qualify as a crisis. It seemed that the examples listed in the book were all really extreme, or at least they were made extreme by the attitude the family took. I feel so blessed to have been raised in a family where most, if not all, conflicts and crisis events were handled with perspective. At least in my eyes, my immediate family never experienced a crisis in ways that most families do. I'm grateful to my parents for that.
That's not to say that our family hasn't experienced stress. In fact...we've experienced a lot. One definition of stress reads: Stress is the body's reaction to a change that requires a physical, mental or emotional adjustment or response. Hence, family stress is when an event causes change--upsets the balance--and requires adjustment within the system. There are so many different coping mechanisms for stress. I think the Monnett's method is what we in the church like to call "eternal perspective". Growing up, I always felt that anything that happened to our family could be overcome, and we would all be ok--that in the long run, it really didn't matter. There were other coping mechanisms utilized of course--no family is perfect--and some of them were not quite so peace-giving. I know that I often reacted by shutting myself in my room, or isolating myself. Others reacted by fighting out the problem, and still others by pretending they were ok when they weren't.
And I have to be fair; one reason that my family's "crises" were handled so well and minimized is that we really have experienced relatively few tragedies. No one in my immediate family has passed away or experienced serious illness. None of my nieces or nephews have come to harm. Three of my grandparents are still living, and the other's temple ordinances have been performed. So really, all things considered, I have lived a charmed life. I know that my family has experienced tremendous blessings, and I'm so grateful for the way my parents taught us to look for the positive. I pray that when conflicts and challenges come to my family, Derek and I will be able to handle them in the way the Lord wants us to, and always turn to Him for help.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Sexual Intimacy and Family
(June 10-14)
This week's discussion was of great interest to me. I was excited mostly to learn about how we can appropriately teach our children about sexuality--not just the basic "how it works" stuff, but what the best methods are for explaining body parts as well as conveying how sacred an act sexual intimacy is, and how important it is that it is confined to marriage.
First, let me start off by saying that I am a huge believer in the power of sexual intimacy to influence marital intimacy. It's not that you have to have sex to be a good couple, but I truly believe that engaging in it--and engaging in it OFTEN--can be a huge help to your relationship (when you're married, naturally). It's not because of the act itself, necessarily, but rather the emotions and feelings for each other that are aroused. It truly causes a bond to form, a trust, a love, an understanding, etcetera. The frequency of it can help you to feel so close to your spouse, and I honestly believe it helps you to be nice to them, and love them more. It is such a beautiful gift that God has given us, and of no small significance that it is the act that creates children--the greatest ability we have here on the earth.
Second, I think it is so so important that children are taught this--that sex is a beautiful, pure, sacred thing, and so naturally, it is something that Satan has corrupted--but only if used out of the correct context. I am so grateful that my parents taught me that all my life, so that when I was about to get married, I could feel comfortable with and excited for what was about to happen. I don't think it is ever appropriate to have any kind of preoccupation with sex, and that's not what I'm talking about. I just mean that I didn't have to go through what's known as "good girl syndrome". I had no problem being intimate with my husband because a.) there was no pressure as far as "performance" goes (which I think is important), and b.) I knew what a beautiful, sacred thing it was. Nothing about it felt impure to me at all, because we had so carefully saved ourselves for each other, and for that time, so it was really just a unifying experience.
I hope to be able to teach my children about their bodies and how precious and sacred they are, as well as convey to them the beauty of the sexual act within marriage while still teaching them to protect themselves emotionally and physically by not toying with sexuality before marriage.
Also of great import was the presentation about Friends, Facebook and Fidelity.ppsx. I feel like so many people don't take marital fidelity as seriously as they should. They believe in the principle of course, but when it comes to safeguarding a marriage, most people think it's juvenile to take action. For instance, we talked about such things as never complimenting anyone else of the opposite gender once you're married. I think most people would find that "a little over the top", but when we asked the question "What possible reason could you have for that?" it really made sense. Doing these things isn't immature, it's smart. I know that Derek and I have made every effort we can to set clear boundaries around our marriage, and it has made us both feel so secure and close to each other. It means a lot to us--not just that we do these things, but that we are willing to do ANYTHING that the other requests in order to make sure they feel secure in knowing that we're loyal.
This week's discussion was of great interest to me. I was excited mostly to learn about how we can appropriately teach our children about sexuality--not just the basic "how it works" stuff, but what the best methods are for explaining body parts as well as conveying how sacred an act sexual intimacy is, and how important it is that it is confined to marriage.
First, let me start off by saying that I am a huge believer in the power of sexual intimacy to influence marital intimacy. It's not that you have to have sex to be a good couple, but I truly believe that engaging in it--and engaging in it OFTEN--can be a huge help to your relationship (when you're married, naturally). It's not because of the act itself, necessarily, but rather the emotions and feelings for each other that are aroused. It truly causes a bond to form, a trust, a love, an understanding, etcetera. The frequency of it can help you to feel so close to your spouse, and I honestly believe it helps you to be nice to them, and love them more. It is such a beautiful gift that God has given us, and of no small significance that it is the act that creates children--the greatest ability we have here on the earth.
Second, I think it is so so important that children are taught this--that sex is a beautiful, pure, sacred thing, and so naturally, it is something that Satan has corrupted--but only if used out of the correct context. I am so grateful that my parents taught me that all my life, so that when I was about to get married, I could feel comfortable with and excited for what was about to happen. I don't think it is ever appropriate to have any kind of preoccupation with sex, and that's not what I'm talking about. I just mean that I didn't have to go through what's known as "good girl syndrome". I had no problem being intimate with my husband because a.) there was no pressure as far as "performance" goes (which I think is important), and b.) I knew what a beautiful, sacred thing it was. Nothing about it felt impure to me at all, because we had so carefully saved ourselves for each other, and for that time, so it was really just a unifying experience.
I hope to be able to teach my children about their bodies and how precious and sacred they are, as well as convey to them the beauty of the sexual act within marriage while still teaching them to protect themselves emotionally and physically by not toying with sexuality before marriage.
Also of great import was the presentation about Friends, Facebook and Fidelity.ppsx. I feel like so many people don't take marital fidelity as seriously as they should. They believe in the principle of course, but when it comes to safeguarding a marriage, most people think it's juvenile to take action. For instance, we talked about such things as never complimenting anyone else of the opposite gender once you're married. I think most people would find that "a little over the top", but when we asked the question "What possible reason could you have for that?" it really made sense. Doing these things isn't immature, it's smart. I know that Derek and I have made every effort we can to set clear boundaries around our marriage, and it has made us both feel so secure and close to each other. It means a lot to us--not just that we do these things, but that we are willing to do ANYTHING that the other requests in order to make sure they feel secure in knowing that we're loyal.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Transitions In Marriage
(June 3-7)
So, I just have to start off by saying that Derek and I got a few laughs out of this week's discussion. We've been married nearly two months, so we're pretty much experts at marriage by now (ha ha...joke). Just kidding. Obviously we're not experts in marriage--but we ARE experts at being newlyweds. The reason we found this week's discussion particularly funny is that we feel we haven't had to make any kind of difficult adjustments in our marriage! We understand, of course, that we're not very far in to this yet, but as far as early marriage adjustments, we were both pretty well prepared. There were a couple of reasons for this. Here's what I think contributed to our easy, blissful early marriage transitions:
1.) We were best friends before we were anything else.
Derek and I have known each other for about a year and a half, and were absolutely, platonically, best friends for four months before we started dating. We got to know each other without the blinders of infatuation on. Because of that, we already knew each other's faults and quirks, and how we would feel about them for...forever. He decided then that I was worth putting up with, I guess ;)
2. We knew we wanted to get married...and not have any surprises.
Because we knew right from the beginning of our dating relationship that we both hoped to one day get married, we stripped ourselves of false pretenses. We laughed and joked about bad habits that most people would never see, we talked about insecurities, everything. I wanted to make sure that he knew what he was getting. No false advertising here.
3. We both come from big families.
This one, I understand, is not something you really have control over. Relate it then, to having roommates. Sharing space is nothing new to me. I have 7 siblings, and we all shared one bathroom. The four girls slept in one (small, small) room, and the four boys in the other. So we got used to living with people. I think this is vital. When you're married, space is going to be shared--and you HAVE to be ok with that. Growing up in big families gave a us a huge advantage here.
4.) We decided to love each other no matter what.
We love each other. Right now, it is overwhelmingly easy to love each other. But even if it weren't...we would love each other. The biggest thing is your level of commitment. If you're committed to loving and serving your spouse from day one to day infinity, I'm convinced that you'll be happy. That doesn't mean you'll be without trials, or hardships, etcetera. It just means you can come together at the end of the day and say, "Wow. Ok. Let's try again tomorrow." President Gordon B. Hinckley once said "Any man who will make his wife's comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through all eternity yet to come." And that goes for wives too ;)
So, we had a good laugh at the idea that early marriage is hard--because it hasn't been for us. We have been blessed with a simply glorious newlywed stage!
But one of the things I found most valuable in this week's lesson was the information about "Avoiding the Baby Blues." Derek and I were able to talk a lot about how we'll be able to prevent our marriage from taking that dip in satisfaction when we have children. We want the birth of each child to truly be "a blessed event". I'm so grateful that we get to be taking this class together right now, and learning how to improve our marriage and family at this great institution.
So, I just have to start off by saying that Derek and I got a few laughs out of this week's discussion. We've been married nearly two months, so we're pretty much experts at marriage by now (ha ha...joke). Just kidding. Obviously we're not experts in marriage--but we ARE experts at being newlyweds. The reason we found this week's discussion particularly funny is that we feel we haven't had to make any kind of difficult adjustments in our marriage! We understand, of course, that we're not very far in to this yet, but as far as early marriage adjustments, we were both pretty well prepared. There were a couple of reasons for this. Here's what I think contributed to our easy, blissful early marriage transitions:
1.) We were best friends before we were anything else.
Derek and I have known each other for about a year and a half, and were absolutely, platonically, best friends for four months before we started dating. We got to know each other without the blinders of infatuation on. Because of that, we already knew each other's faults and quirks, and how we would feel about them for...forever. He decided then that I was worth putting up with, I guess ;)
2. We knew we wanted to get married...and not have any surprises.
Because we knew right from the beginning of our dating relationship that we both hoped to one day get married, we stripped ourselves of false pretenses. We laughed and joked about bad habits that most people would never see, we talked about insecurities, everything. I wanted to make sure that he knew what he was getting. No false advertising here.
3. We both come from big families.
This one, I understand, is not something you really have control over. Relate it then, to having roommates. Sharing space is nothing new to me. I have 7 siblings, and we all shared one bathroom. The four girls slept in one (small, small) room, and the four boys in the other. So we got used to living with people. I think this is vital. When you're married, space is going to be shared--and you HAVE to be ok with that. Growing up in big families gave a us a huge advantage here.
4.) We decided to love each other no matter what.
We love each other. Right now, it is overwhelmingly easy to love each other. But even if it weren't...we would love each other. The biggest thing is your level of commitment. If you're committed to loving and serving your spouse from day one to day infinity, I'm convinced that you'll be happy. That doesn't mean you'll be without trials, or hardships, etcetera. It just means you can come together at the end of the day and say, "Wow. Ok. Let's try again tomorrow." President Gordon B. Hinckley once said "Any man who will make his wife's comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through all eternity yet to come." And that goes for wives too ;)
So, we had a good laugh at the idea that early marriage is hard--because it hasn't been for us. We have been blessed with a simply glorious newlywed stage!
But one of the things I found most valuable in this week's lesson was the information about "Avoiding the Baby Blues." Derek and I were able to talk a lot about how we'll be able to prevent our marriage from taking that dip in satisfaction when we have children. We want the birth of each child to truly be "a blessed event". I'm so grateful that we get to be taking this class together right now, and learning how to improve our marriage and family at this great institution.
Preparing For Marriage
(May 27-31)
This week's discussions were very interesting to me, mostly because I thought I wouldn't get much out of it--as I am already married (Win number one for Nikki, I don't have to go through the dating process again--HA!). But much to my surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed all the information we covered in class. It was all stuff I had already agreed with and basically known, but I loved the way my beliefs were supported by our discussions about dating vs. hanging out--or even steady dating vs. courtship, and the way it's supposed to go.
By far my favorite thing that we discussed in class was Dr. Van Epp's Relationship Attachment Model, pictured below.
This model shows the perfect balance for a good relationship. Verbally explained, it basically says that you should never trust someone any more than you KNOW them. Brother Williams gave the example of trusting a stranger with your car keys--it'd just be stupid! Next, you should never rely on someone more than you know or trust them. And you should always commit less than you know, trust, and rely. Lastly--and very importantly--never, ever touch someone any more than you are committed to them, and on up the scale. This is the biggest problem I see in dating relationships these days. People want to touch without commitment, and how psychologically damaging and dangerous can that be? Very! And I see it all the time. Girls especially fall into this trap so easily, because we associate touch with love. We, especially as good LDS girls, think that if a guy is touching us, he must be committed to us. He must love us. Now, is this the wrong idea? No! In fact, Van Epp would say that it is exactly the RIGHT idea, but we are with the WRONG person--a jerk, as he would call them.
I don't mean to say that girls are always the victims in these situations, but I do think that it is easier for girls to get confused. This information provides us with some great opportunities, though. Knowing this scale, we can make sure our relationships follow the correct pattern--and sequence. This will give us much greater confidence and security in our dating/courtship, and prevent the likelihood of marrying a jerk ;)
This week's discussions were very interesting to me, mostly because I thought I wouldn't get much out of it--as I am already married (Win number one for Nikki, I don't have to go through the dating process again--HA!). But much to my surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed all the information we covered in class. It was all stuff I had already agreed with and basically known, but I loved the way my beliefs were supported by our discussions about dating vs. hanging out--or even steady dating vs. courtship, and the way it's supposed to go.
By far my favorite thing that we discussed in class was Dr. Van Epp's Relationship Attachment Model, pictured below.
I don't mean to say that girls are always the victims in these situations, but I do think that it is easier for girls to get confused. This information provides us with some great opportunities, though. Knowing this scale, we can make sure our relationships follow the correct pattern--and sequence. This will give us much greater confidence and security in our dating/courtship, and prevent the likelihood of marrying a jerk ;)
Gender & Family Life
(May 20-24)
We started off this week with a very interesting subject--that of gender roles and differences. Research shows that men and women have different qualities and typical behaviors. Men are aggressive. Women are nurturing. Men look at things analytically. Women look at things socially, or in relation to each other. Surprise, surprise...men and women are different.
What? We're different? That can't be right. Shouldn't we be equal?
Yes. And we are. Equality does not equate to exactly the same. If it did, life would be so boring! We were made--by divine design--to possess these differences in nature, behavior, thinking, etcetera. The Family Proclamation clearly outlines the different roles that men and women are to fill in the home. If these are God's purposes for us, doesn't it make sense that He would design us to be particularly suited to and able to carry out those roles? I think so.
C.S. Lewis once said that "there are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them." I would submit that our understanding of gender differences is much the same. On the one hand, we have people who refuse to acknowledge them. They would have us believe that there are, in fact, no differences between men and women except for the ones that society forces on them. The other error, "equal and opposite" is that we put way too much stock into these differences--so that when someone comes along who doesn't conform to the typical behaviors, or interests, associated with their gender, we get scared, and we label them as "gay". I see this as probably the biggest contributing factor to young men identifying themselves as homosexual. When a boy has tendencies or interests that we recognize as more "feminine", such as a desire to nurture a baby doll, or an interest in art, we freak out, in essence, because we worry that this little boy will associate so much with the opposite gender that he becomes attracted to his own. Really though, it is our freaking out that causes him to wonder what's wrong with him, and his behavior. This is what makes him see himself as different, and so he just accepts that, because apparently, so have we. (See Daryl Bem, "The Exotic Becomes Erotic"). But if we were to take a step back, and look at these qualities, what would we see? What every woman wants in a husband!!--someone who is creative, kind, sensitive, with a great capacity to love and nurture those around him. Really, we should be encouraging these kinds of qualities and behaviors in our children.
The greatest thing I learned this week was how to deal with a situation like this! If I have a son who shows these interests, all I have to do is validate them in association with his gender! I know that Derek can help a lot with this--if we just show him that being nurturing as a FATHER is a good thing, he is much more likely to be ok with the fact that he's a little different from the other guys. Especially if that is reinforced with a close relationship to his father. I feel so liberated by what I learned this week, and I'm so grateful to feel a little more prepared to face the world!
We started off this week with a very interesting subject--that of gender roles and differences. Research shows that men and women have different qualities and typical behaviors. Men are aggressive. Women are nurturing. Men look at things analytically. Women look at things socially, or in relation to each other. Surprise, surprise...men and women are different.
What? We're different? That can't be right. Shouldn't we be equal?
Yes. And we are. Equality does not equate to exactly the same. If it did, life would be so boring! We were made--by divine design--to possess these differences in nature, behavior, thinking, etcetera. The Family Proclamation clearly outlines the different roles that men and women are to fill in the home. If these are God's purposes for us, doesn't it make sense that He would design us to be particularly suited to and able to carry out those roles? I think so.
C.S. Lewis once said that "there are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them." I would submit that our understanding of gender differences is much the same. On the one hand, we have people who refuse to acknowledge them. They would have us believe that there are, in fact, no differences between men and women except for the ones that society forces on them. The other error, "equal and opposite" is that we put way too much stock into these differences--so that when someone comes along who doesn't conform to the typical behaviors, or interests, associated with their gender, we get scared, and we label them as "gay". I see this as probably the biggest contributing factor to young men identifying themselves as homosexual. When a boy has tendencies or interests that we recognize as more "feminine", such as a desire to nurture a baby doll, or an interest in art, we freak out, in essence, because we worry that this little boy will associate so much with the opposite gender that he becomes attracted to his own. Really though, it is our freaking out that causes him to wonder what's wrong with him, and his behavior. This is what makes him see himself as different, and so he just accepts that, because apparently, so have we. (See Daryl Bem, "The Exotic Becomes Erotic"). But if we were to take a step back, and look at these qualities, what would we see? What every woman wants in a husband!!--someone who is creative, kind, sensitive, with a great capacity to love and nurture those around him. Really, we should be encouraging these kinds of qualities and behaviors in our children.
The greatest thing I learned this week was how to deal with a situation like this! If I have a son who shows these interests, all I have to do is validate them in association with his gender! I know that Derek can help a lot with this--if we just show him that being nurturing as a FATHER is a good thing, he is much more likely to be ok with the fact that he's a little different from the other guys. Especially if that is reinforced with a close relationship to his father. I feel so liberated by what I learned this week, and I'm so grateful to feel a little more prepared to face the world!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Family Culture
(May 13-17)
This week in our Family Relations class, we talked a lot about cultures and social classes, and what they influence. I wanted to talk a little about the family culture that Derek and I are trying to create in our home.
Derek and I were both raised in amazingly strong families--families that are active in the gospel and in each other's lives. We had parents who had (and have) very high expectations for their children, and we couldn't be more grateful for that. The standards that we each grew up with are very similar, but not in every area. One area that our families differ in that we feel is so very important is media.
Media is a pretty hot topic in the church these days. And it's easy to see why. Just think of all the pervasiveness in our world. Everywhere we turn there is a false message being spread, an inappropriate picture, etcetera. Whether or not we think so, these things have a HUGE effect on us. I grew up in a family where we talked about this a lot. We talked about sensuality and pornography, about swearing, drinking, doing drugs, and violence. We talked about how evil these things are. And I will always be grateful that we did. But we weren't always as vigilant as we should have been about the things that came into our home.
Here I'd like to share a little anecdote with you. It was in a forward Derek received a few months ago, and while it may be a little cheesy, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
The Stranger
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger
who was new to our small town. From the beginning,
Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
and soon invited him to live with our family. The
stranger was quickly accepted and was around
from then on.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my
family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would
keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,
mysteries and comedies.
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history
or science, he always knew the answers about the past,
understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future! He took my family to the first major league
ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The
stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem
to mind.
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of
us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to
say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,
but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not
from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four-letter
words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and
my mother blush.
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the
stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished.
He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments
were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing.
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he
opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked
and NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved
in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly
as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into
my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over
in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and
watch him draw his pictures.
His name?
We
just call him 'TV.'
When I read this, it struck a chord. Maybe it hit pretty close to home. This was kind of what our home was like. My family rejected cable and satellite television when I was young, but we still watched movies, and we would check out seasons of tv shows from the library. My parents always taught us what was wrong with the things we watched--and we never watched anything worse than a PG-13. But in today's world, that can be way too much.
When Derek was growing up, he had a similar experience--up until he was about 12, when his mom decided she'd had enough. She rid the house of anything that was rated PG-13 or worse, and got rid of some PG films as well. She knew that teaching her children about what things they should not take into their lives would do much good, but it would do even more good if she proved that she was willing to accept it on a new level. It's like when Christ tells his disciples in the book of Matthew that under His law, hatred is like murder, lust is like adultery. My mother-in-law decided to show her children that not only would they participate in immoral activities, they would not even view them.
But what difference does that make now? We're both grown-up. We can choose on our own, right?
Well, we have. When Derek left home for college, he decided that watching an occasional PG-13 movie was ok. Watching tv with minor inappropriate references was no big deal. I did the same thing, although it wasn't a very big adjustment for me. But I think I have to say that my media did get a little worse when I left home. There was one TV show that I chose to watch that I know would not have been permitted in our home. I loved it and hated it at the same time. Derek did too. We both chose to give up that show last November, and I'm so happy to say that we haven't seen a single episode of it since then.
When we were dating, we talked a lot about the kind of media we would have in our home. Derek was re-committing to the no PG-13 or TV-14 rule. I was a little hesitant, because that would mean giving up nearly half of my favorite movies--movies that really only have "that one little bad part". But I chose to give them up--and not because of Derek. Derek would have accepted my decision to continue watching those movies if I had asked him to. In fact, he didn't even ask me to give them up. Not once. But I became sick of the way these movies made me feel. I decided not to watch them anymore. That was in January. I believe the last PG-13 movie I watched was The Hobbit.
Now in saying all this, I hope no one thinks I'm trying to toot my own horn or pull a "holier-than-thou". I promise I'm not. I just want to share the family culture that Derek and I are creating, and tell you that it is oh-so-wonderful to be free. And that's how I feel. I don't feel restricted one bit by our standard. I feel liberated. I feel comfortable. I feel like the Spirit is with me. And I want to let you know that it's an easier sacrifice than it might seem. Does that mean I am never sad I can't watch a certain movie? No, but only for a moment. The reward is so much greater than the sacrifice. And that's the way the gospel works. If you've ever considered doing this--do it.
It's worth it.
Family Systems Theory at a Family Reunion
(May 6-10)
Unfortunately, Derek and I didn't have the privilege of attending class the week we talked about family systems because we were...
in Disneyland!!!
(the nice man who took our picture didn't know how to use a camera...that's his thumb)
(the nice man who took our picture didn't know how to use a camera...that's his thumb)
We had the amazing opportunity to go to a family reunion with Derek's immediate family and spend a WEEK in California. We stayed in a beautiful vista:
We got to go to Disneyland, California Adventure, and SeaWorld!
And we even got to go to the beautiful San Diego temple!!
Ok, now that I'm done bragging, I thought I'd share what I learned from the material that week! Probably the most interesting thing to me was to observe a family's interactions. I had a huge advantage in this because I got to observe Derek's family together--something I've done many times in the last year and a half that I've known them, but this time with the eye of a social scientist. Some things I noticed (and again, not that these are new to me, but they just stood out) :
1.) The Allens love each other. They show that love so willingly and without shyness. Derek interacts with his sisters affectionately--playing with their hair, putting an arm around them. He's not the only one. This is how their family is. This is how their parents are, with just about everyone. Derek's mom has been hugging me since the day she met me--when I was a high school senior with no connection to their family yet.2.) The Allens have fun together. So much fun. That's what this whole vacation was about. Derek's parents will provide for fun for their family to a huge extent--like taking us all to Disneyland. Playing as a family is a priority.
3.) Working as a family is a priority too. One of the basic interactions that goes on is this family is a very high level of cooperation and willingness to get things done. For example, on Sunday we had a big meal together--just the siblings and their kids, because Derek's parents were still home in Salt Lake. As soon as nearly everyone was done eating, we began to talk about what chores needed to be done. A list was made, numbered, and everyone drew a number to choose a chore--with absolutely no complaining! Granted, these are adults, but...I was particularly impressed at the eagerness of the men to do their chores. In my family, it usually ends up that the women do all the cleaning up. That's not to say that the men never help with anything--it's just that they don't do those jobs for the most part. I thought it was cool how everyone pitched in.
4.) I got to observe some more parent-child interactions. Not just with our parents, but with our siblings and their children. Though all of Derek's siblings were raised in the same way, they all raise their children slightly differently from one another--and differently from the way they were raised. When I say that I mean in matters of discipline and acceptable behavior, and not as far as gospel teachings. One of Derek's brothers, Daniel, is a big tease--pretty much ALWAYS kidding. He likes to play with his 2 and a half year old son Luke and react to him in the same way that Luke behaves. I think in this he's trying to make a point--for instance, once when Luke was yelling at his mom for attention, Dan yelled back very playfully. Luke responded, "That's too loud, Daddy! Gotta be quiet. Like this...", the whole time lowering his voice more and more. Dan's wife Nicole is very quiet and sweet, and whenever Luke would get too loud she would simply look him in the eye and say, "Luke, please don't talk like that. Let's be nice, ok?" I thought it was interesting that when Luke was behaving badly and his dad showed him what that was like, he responded as his mother would have.
5.) The most important thing about the Allen family is that they live for each other and the gospel. At the center of every one of their homes is Christ and his pure doctrine. They teach their children to love, to play, to work, to "behave", and most of all, to believe in Christ.
I'm so grateful for families. I could spend hours talking about both the family I grew up in and the family I have married into, but to keep it short, I'll just say I'm grateful. I have two remarkable families who love and support my husband and me, and who want only the best things for us. They are tremendous examples of what I want to be and the family I want to have. I'd certainly be nowhere without them both.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Big Families...Big Benefits
(April 29-May 3)
It seems that an increasing number of people believe that large families are, well...just weird. And to that I say...
Maybe.
The top picture is me, my husband, and my seven siblings. Below is us with seven of his eight siblings (one is currently serving a mission in Mexico). This is not including our (total) seven brothers/sisters-in-law, parents, and nieces and nephews (24 in all). You might say that we come from big families. And can I just say...we love it. We both adore every single one of our siblings--they are our best friends in the world, and so much fun to hang out with. Growing up with seven people who understood me, and my parents, and the gospel so much better than I did at times made all the difference in the world to me. I have loved always having someone--or two or three someones--to turn to, knowing they will respond with love and kindness. I wish that I could better describe the beautiful reality of growing up in such a big family. But I do know a few distinct things I would like to say:
1.) Having a lot of children...is the exact opposite of selfishness. Ehrilch's example of robbing a bank is so skewed I might have thrown up in my mouth a little bit--or at least scoffed so emphatically that I choked. My mother was in school when she became pregnant with her first child, my oldest sister Kari (the blonde behind me and slightly to the left in the picture). She (my mom) was a communications major at BYU, and a brilliant writer at that. My parents were dirt poor when they had their first child...and their second...and their third, fourth, fifth...etcetera. Did they make sacrifices? You bet. Was it hard for them? Naturally. Is being a mom easy? Heck. No. But they did it--over and over again, they chose the hard thing. The hard, yet beautifully rewarding thing of having another child. And what kind of children did they produce? Hard-working, loving, faithful people who love the gospel and the Savior with all their hearts--people who have gone on to have an amazing sphere of influence in their wards and communities. I look up to my 5 older siblings--and my 2 younger brothers as well--in so many ways, and I know without a doubt that they are major contributors not just to my world--but to THE world.
2.) I'm not saying it was always peachy. My husband felt, as I did sometimes, that you can get a little lost in a big family. But I might add that it's never for long--and never as much as you think it is. We were both blessed with parents who were so very aware of us, so caring and loving that they did things we didn't know we needed ALL THE TIME. The benefits of a large family far outweigh the few minor trials. And hey. Trials make us stronger :)
3.) The Lord commanded us to multiply and replenish the earth. This commandment can be fulfilled in soooo many different ways--and far be it from me to say that anyone with less than five kids just isn't living up to the standard! Who knows--maybe I'll only be blessed with two children. I think that would be hard for me since I'd love a big family, but I would get over that because what it all comes down to is the Lord's will. Personal revelation is really the only way to go, so the only thing I can say is this:
Don't allow yourself to be swayed by what the world tells you is appropriate. For "they shall call good evil, and evil good..." The only thing we can rely on is that God has a plan, and He will make it known to the individual.
Have faith. Have HAPPINESS. Have excitement for the beautiful reality that you can have children of your own, to love and nurture and raise in righteousness. Because seriously...THAT is what it is ALL about.
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