(July 15-19)
Family dynamics are constantly changing. First you have to get used to living with someone, having them always there. Then, just as soon as you've adjusted to that (and sometimes sooner), you bring a kid into the mix. You have to learn how to take care of that kid, and then another kid (who, for some reason, isn't identical to the first one), and so on...and then, they start leaving, and your family is changing once again. In my family we haven't had to deal with divorce or remarriage because of a death, and I pray we never will go through that trial. But our family dynamic will indeed change, and it's going to take a lot of prayer and effort to know how to handle those changes.
Our final lesson was beautifully simple. We watched a video from The Piano Guys of their duet "Love Story meets Viva La Vida" (watch here), and analyzed it as a metaphor for an aging family. How are the two performers like a married couple? We came up with a lot of ideas, but I'm most interested in hearing what you guys think, so please leave a comment :)
I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to be in this class. I have learned so much, and I treasure the things I've learned from Brother Williams. I hope you've all enjoyed following the blog, and I hope you can get just a portion of what I've gained from taking this class. Thanks for following!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Parenting
(July 8-12)
This week was very interesting for us. In some ways, parenting feels very far away. In others, it is pretty imminent. I'm excited to become a mom--so excited! And I'm grateful that I'll be parenting with someone who I really look up to--Derek is going to be the most wonderful dad.
When we were dating we talked a lot about what good parenting looked like. We were very close to identical in our approaches, and I think we will balance out each other well. Derek has helped me so much to understand what is important in parenting. I know that I have a tendency to be just a little too harsh, and I think it's possible that Derek might be just a little to lenient, but rather than these differences driving us apart, because we talk about it so much we have truly come to a middle ground.
One thing that we learned in our class this week that I found particularly enlightening was in our discussion about the three main styles of parenting--authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. I think we've all heard of these, and we all know that the best style is authoritative: parenting which is characterized by parents who hold high expectations and set clear guidelines, but are responsive and nurturing to their children. This probably isn't news to anyone. But what I found interesting was the idea that authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting, though exact opposites, have one common characteristic: they are both self-centered. They are both about the parent rather than about the child. Permissive parents want to be "cool" or seen as "a friend". Authoritarian parents want "respect" (or really, fear), and to be seen as "in charge". But authoritative parenting focuses on the children--which is what good parenting is really about. This really opened my eyes to see why authoritative parenting is the best kind, and it reminded me of something I learned in my Family 300 class, which I'll leave you with. According to a study of what makes strong LDS families, one common aspect was that the parents had few rules but high expectations. I have seen how successful this is, particularly in Derek's life. Derek's parents didn't really have a lot of specific rules on things like "when you can hold hands", "when you can kiss", "whether or not you can do this or that", etcetera, but he always knew what his mom expected of him. Because of that, he really never wanted to disappoint her. He knew that there wouldn't necessarily be a punishment, but that his mom would be sad if he didn't measure up to those expectations. I think that this is a great aspect of authoritative parenting, and one I really want to mirror in my own family.
This week was very interesting for us. In some ways, parenting feels very far away. In others, it is pretty imminent. I'm excited to become a mom--so excited! And I'm grateful that I'll be parenting with someone who I really look up to--Derek is going to be the most wonderful dad.
When we were dating we talked a lot about what good parenting looked like. We were very close to identical in our approaches, and I think we will balance out each other well. Derek has helped me so much to understand what is important in parenting. I know that I have a tendency to be just a little too harsh, and I think it's possible that Derek might be just a little to lenient, but rather than these differences driving us apart, because we talk about it so much we have truly come to a middle ground.
One thing that we learned in our class this week that I found particularly enlightening was in our discussion about the three main styles of parenting--authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. I think we've all heard of these, and we all know that the best style is authoritative: parenting which is characterized by parents who hold high expectations and set clear guidelines, but are responsive and nurturing to their children. This probably isn't news to anyone. But what I found interesting was the idea that authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting, though exact opposites, have one common characteristic: they are both self-centered. They are both about the parent rather than about the child. Permissive parents want to be "cool" or seen as "a friend". Authoritarian parents want "respect" (or really, fear), and to be seen as "in charge". But authoritative parenting focuses on the children--which is what good parenting is really about. This really opened my eyes to see why authoritative parenting is the best kind, and it reminded me of something I learned in my Family 300 class, which I'll leave you with. According to a study of what makes strong LDS families, one common aspect was that the parents had few rules but high expectations. I have seen how successful this is, particularly in Derek's life. Derek's parents didn't really have a lot of specific rules on things like "when you can hold hands", "when you can kiss", "whether or not you can do this or that", etcetera, but he always knew what his mom expected of him. Because of that, he really never wanted to disappoint her. He knew that there wouldn't necessarily be a punishment, but that his mom would be sad if he didn't measure up to those expectations. I think that this is a great aspect of authoritative parenting, and one I really want to mirror in my own family.
Fathers & Finances
(July 1-5)
The week of July 4, we were only able to have one class. But that class taught me some very valuable things. First we talked about what impact it has on women to stay at home with their kids--is it a brainless chore? We read an article by Dennis Prager that I think most of you would find entertaining in the least, and perhaps even a little bit enlightening. (Does a Full Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind For a Mop?) This alone brought up some interesting discussion, and I'd like to hear what your thoughts are, so comment!
But probably what I found more interesting was our discussion about dual income households. Did you know that in most cases, a couple will actually spend so much money on new necessities--child care, tutors, school lunches, etcetera-- that the second income is completely depleted by it, and often the first is dipped into? Do you know what that means? If one parent were to stay home--and we believe that, wherever possible, this should be the mom--and parent the children herself, rather than paying someone to do it, their family would actually have more money to live on. Is that interesting or what? I'm finding in this class, time and time again, that research backs up what the Lord's servants have been telling us for years--steady dating at a young age is detrimental, having a mother stay at home will bring blessings, if you cohabit you are 4-5 times more likely to be a victim of domestic violence than a married woman is, etcetera. The prophets and apostles have authority to speak on all subjects, whether or not they have a degree saying they can. The Lord is the fountain of all knowledge, and His prophets have access to that fountain, so when they tell us something, it is true, and time will prove it. We would do well to follow their counsel before we suffer the consequences of disobedience.
The week of July 4, we were only able to have one class. But that class taught me some very valuable things. First we talked about what impact it has on women to stay at home with their kids--is it a brainless chore? We read an article by Dennis Prager that I think most of you would find entertaining in the least, and perhaps even a little bit enlightening. (Does a Full Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind For a Mop?) This alone brought up some interesting discussion, and I'd like to hear what your thoughts are, so comment!
But probably what I found more interesting was our discussion about dual income households. Did you know that in most cases, a couple will actually spend so much money on new necessities--child care, tutors, school lunches, etcetera-- that the second income is completely depleted by it, and often the first is dipped into? Do you know what that means? If one parent were to stay home--and we believe that, wherever possible, this should be the mom--and parent the children herself, rather than paying someone to do it, their family would actually have more money to live on. Is that interesting or what? I'm finding in this class, time and time again, that research backs up what the Lord's servants have been telling us for years--steady dating at a young age is detrimental, having a mother stay at home will bring blessings, if you cohabit you are 4-5 times more likely to be a victim of domestic violence than a married woman is, etcetera. The prophets and apostles have authority to speak on all subjects, whether or not they have a degree saying they can. The Lord is the fountain of all knowledge, and His prophets have access to that fountain, so when they tell us something, it is true, and time will prove it. We would do well to follow their counsel before we suffer the consequences of disobedience.
Communication and Mutual Problem Solving
(June 24-28)
I loved our discussion this week about Communication and Mutual Problem Solving. I think that people often get caught up on the importance of communicating hurt feelings or dissatisfaction and we forget that the most important thing to communicate is just the opposite--satisfaction and happiness in relationships! Can you see how selfish that is? "I want to make sure that you know every little thing you do that upsets me...but I don't want to make any effort to let you know what you're doing right." Now, in actuality, I don't think it's so malignant as that--but rather, we just tend to be pretty thoughtless when it comes to good communication. To me, good communication is communicating well all the time--it's really a matter of always talking about how you feel about everyone and everything in your life, so that your spouse is involved and aware.
Brother Williams shared a few quotes that I absolutely loved. The first was this:
I loved our discussion this week about Communication and Mutual Problem Solving. I think that people often get caught up on the importance of communicating hurt feelings or dissatisfaction and we forget that the most important thing to communicate is just the opposite--satisfaction and happiness in relationships! Can you see how selfish that is? "I want to make sure that you know every little thing you do that upsets me...but I don't want to make any effort to let you know what you're doing right." Now, in actuality, I don't think it's so malignant as that--but rather, we just tend to be pretty thoughtless when it comes to good communication. To me, good communication is communicating well all the time--it's really a matter of always talking about how you feel about everyone and everything in your life, so that your spouse is involved and aware.
Brother Williams shared a few quotes that I absolutely loved. The first was this:
You can never not communicate.
How true is that? It doesn't matter if we're speaking or not speaking, turning towards or turning away, we are always communicating something. Because of that, it is so important to be aware and careful of what we communicate to those we love. Another quote I really loved went something like this:
We need to communicate not only so clearly that we can be understood, but so clearly that we cannot be misunderstood.
I think everyone has heard plenty about how important communication is, and all the skills we supposedly need to develop--I-statements, active listening, reflective statements, etcetera--and they're all valuable to an extent. But I submit that if we would just remember these two statements, that's pretty much all we need to know about communicating. I also want to add that one of the greatest things you can do to improve a relationship is thank your Father in Heaven in prayer for your spouse--thank Him every night for giving you someone who loves you so much, and then in moments of agitation, you'll be reminded that you are grateful to have that person in your life, and you don't know what you'd do without them.
Monday, July 1, 2013
The Family Under Stress
(June 17-21)
This week we talked about family crises. As Derek and I read the chapters in the textbook, we thought about things that our family's have gone through and what would really qualify as a crisis. It seemed that the examples listed in the book were all really extreme, or at least they were made extreme by the attitude the family took. I feel so blessed to have been raised in a family where most, if not all, conflicts and crisis events were handled with perspective. At least in my eyes, my immediate family never experienced a crisis in ways that most families do. I'm grateful to my parents for that.
That's not to say that our family hasn't experienced stress. In fact...we've experienced a lot. One definition of stress reads: Stress is the body's reaction to a change that requires a physical, mental or emotional adjustment or response. Hence, family stress is when an event causes change--upsets the balance--and requires adjustment within the system. There are so many different coping mechanisms for stress. I think the Monnett's method is what we in the church like to call "eternal perspective". Growing up, I always felt that anything that happened to our family could be overcome, and we would all be ok--that in the long run, it really didn't matter. There were other coping mechanisms utilized of course--no family is perfect--and some of them were not quite so peace-giving. I know that I often reacted by shutting myself in my room, or isolating myself. Others reacted by fighting out the problem, and still others by pretending they were ok when they weren't.
And I have to be fair; one reason that my family's "crises" were handled so well and minimized is that we really have experienced relatively few tragedies. No one in my immediate family has passed away or experienced serious illness. None of my nieces or nephews have come to harm. Three of my grandparents are still living, and the other's temple ordinances have been performed. So really, all things considered, I have lived a charmed life. I know that my family has experienced tremendous blessings, and I'm so grateful for the way my parents taught us to look for the positive. I pray that when conflicts and challenges come to my family, Derek and I will be able to handle them in the way the Lord wants us to, and always turn to Him for help.
This week we talked about family crises. As Derek and I read the chapters in the textbook, we thought about things that our family's have gone through and what would really qualify as a crisis. It seemed that the examples listed in the book were all really extreme, or at least they were made extreme by the attitude the family took. I feel so blessed to have been raised in a family where most, if not all, conflicts and crisis events were handled with perspective. At least in my eyes, my immediate family never experienced a crisis in ways that most families do. I'm grateful to my parents for that.
That's not to say that our family hasn't experienced stress. In fact...we've experienced a lot. One definition of stress reads: Stress is the body's reaction to a change that requires a physical, mental or emotional adjustment or response. Hence, family stress is when an event causes change--upsets the balance--and requires adjustment within the system. There are so many different coping mechanisms for stress. I think the Monnett's method is what we in the church like to call "eternal perspective". Growing up, I always felt that anything that happened to our family could be overcome, and we would all be ok--that in the long run, it really didn't matter. There were other coping mechanisms utilized of course--no family is perfect--and some of them were not quite so peace-giving. I know that I often reacted by shutting myself in my room, or isolating myself. Others reacted by fighting out the problem, and still others by pretending they were ok when they weren't.
And I have to be fair; one reason that my family's "crises" were handled so well and minimized is that we really have experienced relatively few tragedies. No one in my immediate family has passed away or experienced serious illness. None of my nieces or nephews have come to harm. Three of my grandparents are still living, and the other's temple ordinances have been performed. So really, all things considered, I have lived a charmed life. I know that my family has experienced tremendous blessings, and I'm so grateful for the way my parents taught us to look for the positive. I pray that when conflicts and challenges come to my family, Derek and I will be able to handle them in the way the Lord wants us to, and always turn to Him for help.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Sexual Intimacy and Family
(June 10-14)
This week's discussion was of great interest to me. I was excited mostly to learn about how we can appropriately teach our children about sexuality--not just the basic "how it works" stuff, but what the best methods are for explaining body parts as well as conveying how sacred an act sexual intimacy is, and how important it is that it is confined to marriage.
First, let me start off by saying that I am a huge believer in the power of sexual intimacy to influence marital intimacy. It's not that you have to have sex to be a good couple, but I truly believe that engaging in it--and engaging in it OFTEN--can be a huge help to your relationship (when you're married, naturally). It's not because of the act itself, necessarily, but rather the emotions and feelings for each other that are aroused. It truly causes a bond to form, a trust, a love, an understanding, etcetera. The frequency of it can help you to feel so close to your spouse, and I honestly believe it helps you to be nice to them, and love them more. It is such a beautiful gift that God has given us, and of no small significance that it is the act that creates children--the greatest ability we have here on the earth.
Second, I think it is so so important that children are taught this--that sex is a beautiful, pure, sacred thing, and so naturally, it is something that Satan has corrupted--but only if used out of the correct context. I am so grateful that my parents taught me that all my life, so that when I was about to get married, I could feel comfortable with and excited for what was about to happen. I don't think it is ever appropriate to have any kind of preoccupation with sex, and that's not what I'm talking about. I just mean that I didn't have to go through what's known as "good girl syndrome". I had no problem being intimate with my husband because a.) there was no pressure as far as "performance" goes (which I think is important), and b.) I knew what a beautiful, sacred thing it was. Nothing about it felt impure to me at all, because we had so carefully saved ourselves for each other, and for that time, so it was really just a unifying experience.
I hope to be able to teach my children about their bodies and how precious and sacred they are, as well as convey to them the beauty of the sexual act within marriage while still teaching them to protect themselves emotionally and physically by not toying with sexuality before marriage.
Also of great import was the presentation about Friends, Facebook and Fidelity.ppsx. I feel like so many people don't take marital fidelity as seriously as they should. They believe in the principle of course, but when it comes to safeguarding a marriage, most people think it's juvenile to take action. For instance, we talked about such things as never complimenting anyone else of the opposite gender once you're married. I think most people would find that "a little over the top", but when we asked the question "What possible reason could you have for that?" it really made sense. Doing these things isn't immature, it's smart. I know that Derek and I have made every effort we can to set clear boundaries around our marriage, and it has made us both feel so secure and close to each other. It means a lot to us--not just that we do these things, but that we are willing to do ANYTHING that the other requests in order to make sure they feel secure in knowing that we're loyal.
This week's discussion was of great interest to me. I was excited mostly to learn about how we can appropriately teach our children about sexuality--not just the basic "how it works" stuff, but what the best methods are for explaining body parts as well as conveying how sacred an act sexual intimacy is, and how important it is that it is confined to marriage.
First, let me start off by saying that I am a huge believer in the power of sexual intimacy to influence marital intimacy. It's not that you have to have sex to be a good couple, but I truly believe that engaging in it--and engaging in it OFTEN--can be a huge help to your relationship (when you're married, naturally). It's not because of the act itself, necessarily, but rather the emotions and feelings for each other that are aroused. It truly causes a bond to form, a trust, a love, an understanding, etcetera. The frequency of it can help you to feel so close to your spouse, and I honestly believe it helps you to be nice to them, and love them more. It is such a beautiful gift that God has given us, and of no small significance that it is the act that creates children--the greatest ability we have here on the earth.
Second, I think it is so so important that children are taught this--that sex is a beautiful, pure, sacred thing, and so naturally, it is something that Satan has corrupted--but only if used out of the correct context. I am so grateful that my parents taught me that all my life, so that when I was about to get married, I could feel comfortable with and excited for what was about to happen. I don't think it is ever appropriate to have any kind of preoccupation with sex, and that's not what I'm talking about. I just mean that I didn't have to go through what's known as "good girl syndrome". I had no problem being intimate with my husband because a.) there was no pressure as far as "performance" goes (which I think is important), and b.) I knew what a beautiful, sacred thing it was. Nothing about it felt impure to me at all, because we had so carefully saved ourselves for each other, and for that time, so it was really just a unifying experience.
I hope to be able to teach my children about their bodies and how precious and sacred they are, as well as convey to them the beauty of the sexual act within marriage while still teaching them to protect themselves emotionally and physically by not toying with sexuality before marriage.
Also of great import was the presentation about Friends, Facebook and Fidelity.ppsx. I feel like so many people don't take marital fidelity as seriously as they should. They believe in the principle of course, but when it comes to safeguarding a marriage, most people think it's juvenile to take action. For instance, we talked about such things as never complimenting anyone else of the opposite gender once you're married. I think most people would find that "a little over the top", but when we asked the question "What possible reason could you have for that?" it really made sense. Doing these things isn't immature, it's smart. I know that Derek and I have made every effort we can to set clear boundaries around our marriage, and it has made us both feel so secure and close to each other. It means a lot to us--not just that we do these things, but that we are willing to do ANYTHING that the other requests in order to make sure they feel secure in knowing that we're loyal.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Transitions In Marriage
(June 3-7)
So, I just have to start off by saying that Derek and I got a few laughs out of this week's discussion. We've been married nearly two months, so we're pretty much experts at marriage by now (ha ha...joke). Just kidding. Obviously we're not experts in marriage--but we ARE experts at being newlyweds. The reason we found this week's discussion particularly funny is that we feel we haven't had to make any kind of difficult adjustments in our marriage! We understand, of course, that we're not very far in to this yet, but as far as early marriage adjustments, we were both pretty well prepared. There were a couple of reasons for this. Here's what I think contributed to our easy, blissful early marriage transitions:
1.) We were best friends before we were anything else.
Derek and I have known each other for about a year and a half, and were absolutely, platonically, best friends for four months before we started dating. We got to know each other without the blinders of infatuation on. Because of that, we already knew each other's faults and quirks, and how we would feel about them for...forever. He decided then that I was worth putting up with, I guess ;)
2. We knew we wanted to get married...and not have any surprises.
Because we knew right from the beginning of our dating relationship that we both hoped to one day get married, we stripped ourselves of false pretenses. We laughed and joked about bad habits that most people would never see, we talked about insecurities, everything. I wanted to make sure that he knew what he was getting. No false advertising here.
3. We both come from big families.
This one, I understand, is not something you really have control over. Relate it then, to having roommates. Sharing space is nothing new to me. I have 7 siblings, and we all shared one bathroom. The four girls slept in one (small, small) room, and the four boys in the other. So we got used to living with people. I think this is vital. When you're married, space is going to be shared--and you HAVE to be ok with that. Growing up in big families gave a us a huge advantage here.
4.) We decided to love each other no matter what.
We love each other. Right now, it is overwhelmingly easy to love each other. But even if it weren't...we would love each other. The biggest thing is your level of commitment. If you're committed to loving and serving your spouse from day one to day infinity, I'm convinced that you'll be happy. That doesn't mean you'll be without trials, or hardships, etcetera. It just means you can come together at the end of the day and say, "Wow. Ok. Let's try again tomorrow." President Gordon B. Hinckley once said "Any man who will make his wife's comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through all eternity yet to come." And that goes for wives too ;)
So, we had a good laugh at the idea that early marriage is hard--because it hasn't been for us. We have been blessed with a simply glorious newlywed stage!
But one of the things I found most valuable in this week's lesson was the information about "Avoiding the Baby Blues." Derek and I were able to talk a lot about how we'll be able to prevent our marriage from taking that dip in satisfaction when we have children. We want the birth of each child to truly be "a blessed event". I'm so grateful that we get to be taking this class together right now, and learning how to improve our marriage and family at this great institution.
So, I just have to start off by saying that Derek and I got a few laughs out of this week's discussion. We've been married nearly two months, so we're pretty much experts at marriage by now (ha ha...joke). Just kidding. Obviously we're not experts in marriage--but we ARE experts at being newlyweds. The reason we found this week's discussion particularly funny is that we feel we haven't had to make any kind of difficult adjustments in our marriage! We understand, of course, that we're not very far in to this yet, but as far as early marriage adjustments, we were both pretty well prepared. There were a couple of reasons for this. Here's what I think contributed to our easy, blissful early marriage transitions:
1.) We were best friends before we were anything else.
Derek and I have known each other for about a year and a half, and were absolutely, platonically, best friends for four months before we started dating. We got to know each other without the blinders of infatuation on. Because of that, we already knew each other's faults and quirks, and how we would feel about them for...forever. He decided then that I was worth putting up with, I guess ;)
2. We knew we wanted to get married...and not have any surprises.
Because we knew right from the beginning of our dating relationship that we both hoped to one day get married, we stripped ourselves of false pretenses. We laughed and joked about bad habits that most people would never see, we talked about insecurities, everything. I wanted to make sure that he knew what he was getting. No false advertising here.
3. We both come from big families.
This one, I understand, is not something you really have control over. Relate it then, to having roommates. Sharing space is nothing new to me. I have 7 siblings, and we all shared one bathroom. The four girls slept in one (small, small) room, and the four boys in the other. So we got used to living with people. I think this is vital. When you're married, space is going to be shared--and you HAVE to be ok with that. Growing up in big families gave a us a huge advantage here.
4.) We decided to love each other no matter what.
We love each other. Right now, it is overwhelmingly easy to love each other. But even if it weren't...we would love each other. The biggest thing is your level of commitment. If you're committed to loving and serving your spouse from day one to day infinity, I'm convinced that you'll be happy. That doesn't mean you'll be without trials, or hardships, etcetera. It just means you can come together at the end of the day and say, "Wow. Ok. Let's try again tomorrow." President Gordon B. Hinckley once said "Any man who will make his wife's comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through all eternity yet to come." And that goes for wives too ;)
So, we had a good laugh at the idea that early marriage is hard--because it hasn't been for us. We have been blessed with a simply glorious newlywed stage!
But one of the things I found most valuable in this week's lesson was the information about "Avoiding the Baby Blues." Derek and I were able to talk a lot about how we'll be able to prevent our marriage from taking that dip in satisfaction when we have children. We want the birth of each child to truly be "a blessed event". I'm so grateful that we get to be taking this class together right now, and learning how to improve our marriage and family at this great institution.
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