Parenting

(July 8-12)
This week was very interesting for us. In some ways, parenting feels very far away. In others, it is pretty imminent. I'm excited to become a mom--so excited! And I'm grateful that I'll be parenting with someone who I really look up to--Derek is going to be the most wonderful dad.
When we were dating we talked a lot about what good parenting looked like. We were very close to identical in our approaches, and I think we will balance out each other well. Derek has helped me so much to understand what is important in parenting. I know that I have a tendency to be just a little too harsh, and I think it's possible that Derek might be just a little to lenient, but rather than these differences driving us apart, because we talk about it so much we have truly come to a middle ground.
One thing that we learned in our class this week that I found particularly enlightening was in our discussion about the three main styles of parenting--authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. I think we've all heard of these, and we all know that the best style is authoritative: parenting which is characterized by parents who hold high expectations and set clear guidelines, but are responsive and nurturing to their children. This probably isn't news to anyone. But what I found interesting was the idea that authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting, though exact opposites, have one common characteristic: they are both self-centered. They are both about the parent rather than about the child. Permissive parents want to be "cool" or seen as "a friend". Authoritarian parents want "respect" (or really, fear), and to be seen as "in charge". But authoritative parenting focuses on the children--which is what good parenting is really about. This really opened my eyes to see why authoritative parenting is the best kind, and it reminded me of something I learned in my Family 300 class, which I'll leave you with. According to a study of what makes strong LDS families, one common aspect was that the parents had few rules but high expectations. I have seen how successful this is, particularly in Derek's life. Derek's parents didn't really have a lot of specific rules on things like "when you can hold hands", "when you can kiss", "whether or not you can do this or that", etcetera, but he always knew what his mom expected of him. Because of that, he really never wanted to disappoint her. He knew that there wouldn't necessarily be a punishment, but that his mom would be sad if he didn't measure up to those expectations. I think that this is a great aspect of authoritative parenting, and one I really want to mirror in my own family.